cht #3

I Think I'll Sleep Now

Tonight I think should be an early night, lest tomorrow be the death of me.

It's funny - I think originally I started staying up late on purpose because I noticed that when I did, I wasn't really as stressed out the next day. When I had had a late night, I didn't sweat the small stuff, didn't get hung up on work, and generally didn't give a shit because well, I was just too tired. It was kind of like being stoned (or what I imagine being stoned might be like), without the drugs; things just kind of washed over me without actually affecting me too much.

I figured this was great because I had a lot of personal stuff going on and work sucked, so the less of it I had to actually deal with, the better. Plus it made my regular morning coffee caffeine hit taste like heaven.

There's a point though at which it stopped being fun; or helpful. Today I almost amputated my own thumb with an Esky (a story for another time), got stabbed with a shard of glass, and fell asleep on some random guys shoulder on the train. The fact that he just left me there with my dreams is either really kind, or really creepy.

It gets worse: being so tired you fall asleep standing up on a crowded train is not a good look, especially the recovery, where you realise that this time it wasn't just a dream, you really were falling.

No; depriving myself of sleep is definitely no longer a helpful way of dealing with stress (if it ever was) which is why I'm going to bed now for a quality 6 hours sleep... just as soon as I post this.

Umm...?

I've decided I don't like toilet air fresheners... I mean they all seem to smell the same, which still just happens to be like toilet, so really what's the point?

Discombobulated

Seriously, I have so much shit running through my head at the moment. Past decisions, past experiences and moments, past jobs, past loves, and past dreams... why do I find it so hard to just move forward? Why is it so hard to let go?... Should I?

I saw a cool quote the other day: "All battles are first won or lost, in the mind" - Joan of Arc, 1492. It doesn't really mean much to me right now, but I wrote it down because I got the strong feeling that one day, it may do.

Secondhand Wisdom

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how even the soundest, most well intentioned advice can be misinterpreted.

I remember one of my earliest personality shaping contemplations of self analysis was in middle primary school when I decided with absolute clarity that if I wanted to succeed in life in any area, all I had to do was to learn from those before me. Everyone knows the saying: "learn from your mistakes", but my brain being as sharp (but slightly tangled) as it is, thought it could improve on this logic, and decided an even better way to do things was to learn from other peoples mistakes, therefore eliminating the need to commit any error previously enacted by another person, ever. It seemed genius.

As years went on I continued to absorb other tidbits of our grandparents wisdom from sayings like: "work to live, don't live to work...", "look before you leap...", "every cloud has a silver lining...", "two's company, but three's a crowd...", and (here's the kicker).... "good things come to those who wait".

The thing is... they don't. Many of these sayings are idealistic and not actually that accurate, a few are just really dated, and some are, in reality, a huge pile of steaming turd burger. I'm sure environmentalists would now argue the political correctness of the old adage "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush". Likewise, good things do not come to those who wait - they come to those who go and get them.

So in taking one, seemingly invaluable piece of secondhand wisdom ("learn from your mistakes") which to me read: "learn from other people's mistakes" and installing it in to my conscience, I unwittingly opened the door for all these other less accurate tidbits to take up residence in my brain without really being challenged or questioned - until fairly recently. Now I recognise that I've waited the better part of my life for something good to "come" to me. Years spent forever exercising forethought, without ever progressing to the "taking action". You could just label it procrastination, or worse yet, label me lazy; but I've realised now that it's more than that - it's a couple of pieces of ill informed mental programming on behalf of my 10 year old self that now have to go.

Unfortunately it's not that simple to give such long standing beliefs the boot, but I'm rapidly working on replacing them with a different dictum from the past which will hopefully serve me better - "He who hesitates is lost".

cht #2

I'm intrigued by individuals, and uninterested by crowds.

cht #1

I'm only interested if it makes me feel something...

I'll Think Of A Title Later...

It has been brought to my attention by an annoying voice in my head, that by being lazy and not posting my thoughts / feelings in this space, I am neglecting a resolution of sorts made at the beginning of the the year (by someone claiming to be me) to do so. I am now glad said previous post was made because it now acts as a call to duty.

Most days I have so many thoughts run through my head that it's hard for me to even keep track, and given that memory, and composition of these things called 'sentences' are not my two strongest faculties, posting here (at least for the moment) seems to take significant effort. In an attempt to get things moving I will from here on post some of the more random tidbits that run naked through my brain in just that fashion - as tiny flashes of forming identity, and title them  cht's (i.e. a crumblyhalfthought). If you see one, please fear not: I have not succumb to insanity; they are mainly for my future reference and embarrassment only. More complete thoughts and happenings will continue to appear as regular posts.

On some other matters: 

I have started attending the gym with increasing frequency to gradually build up my fitness. While this pleases me greatly, unfortunately the treadmill robs me of calories which scrawny specimens such as myself need to live. The Easter Bunny has exacerbated this problem by providing copious amounts of chocolate, thereby lessening my desire for real food. I really didn't plan to have to hit the weights this early on but I may have to; if I get too slim there's a good chance people will start offering to sponsor me through World Vision. 

Recently it came time to pick up a new book to read and naturally I reached for the one that has been calling to me for the best part of two months now - A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. Pretty much anyone who has heard of Oprah has heard of this book, and lately something has been calling me to explore a good self help book. Eight pages in however and I no longer really feel like I'm in the right headspace for it's content. If only I had finished my last book two weeks sooner. Do I just put it down now, and start something else? or continue wading through it's pages bleary eyed not really absorbing anything? You can bet if I start a different book, in a few days I'll be wishing I had this back in my hands. Indecision: my arch nemesis.

Finally, to our dear Prime Minister Kevin Rudd: I accept your most generous offer of $900 to stimulate not the economy, but my bank account, despite finding your perfectly bland haircut and personality annoying.

That is all.

Sunny Side Up

Today, driving home from what was a completely lame day of work, on the side of the road... seemingly out of the tarmac... out of nowhere, a cliff face... randomly... was a sunflower, growing, beaming in my direction; and I smiled, twice. 

I'm so thankful I can still be inspired by the simplest things.

Because My Conscience Made Me

If you were a manticore escapee whose name had an 'X5' prefix, and you squinted really hard, you might be able to see me yawning in bed in the background while this was going on. Not that I don't get New Year's Eve, I've just never really been that excited by it. I mean, every time the sun goes down, and rises again the next day, it's a new beginning; isn't it? Why does everyone go crazy on this particular one? Do they only consider the direction of their lives this once a year? That's kind of odd to me.

Usually I at least stay up till midnight to see the $5M fireworks in Sydney, but at 11:56pm 31st Dec 2008 I thought to myself "I'm tired", and swung my legs into bed instead. In my defense, I'm pretty sure I had a mild case of heat stroke after sitting in full sun and 40°C heat for an hour and a half earlier that afternoon watching a football match Dad had tickets to at the local stadium.

Still, the fact that I didn't pay the occasion much attention at the time has been nagging at me ever since, and I can't help looking back at some of the things I did do this last year. For my own benefit, I'm listing them here: 

- Recovered (mostly) from the events of Dec 07

- Travelled to England, and Paris

- Went paintballing for the first time

- Got a new job

- Started a blog (another first)

- Completely re-arranged my room

- Made a decision to give my hand a go at being a fitness instructor

Of course, when pondering said events, what naturally follows in the mind (even for the senile) are new goals for 2009:

- Complete aforementioned fitness course

- To blog more regularly, and also do so in video on my youtube channel

- Read more (at least one book a month)

- Take more photos

- Go to bed earlier

- Be a better friend (I'm lousy at keeping in touch with people)

- Continue trying to be more comfortable and confident with being myself

Oh, and buy a cactus. I don't think I can kill a cactus.